I'm such a loser.

Okay it's the 3rd post for today and this post isn't gonna be a great post. Fine my post are all not that great but still. I'm feeling so down now, and I have no idea why. Just feel like blogging them all out. So to all those people who read my blog, you're gonna know my deepest, darkest secret. (okay maybe not, just exaggerating).

It's gonna be a boring post with no pictures, not much paragraphing and everything is gonna be in a chunk.
I suggest you don't read it.

I practiced my clarinet just now, and it suddenly just hit me. That I'm so useless. Playing with clarinet for 2 years, and my tone still sucks. Not I say what, but Kendrick's tone is already way more rounder than mine, and I still have this airy sound. I know he practice everyday after school in band room. I tried my best to practice at home without fail too. But I'm still getting no result. Yeah, all of you might think I'm not working hard enough, I'm lazy, it's all me, lack of practice etc. I know that, and I always tried my best. I always go to the internet, and find website about clarinet embouchure. And I'd spent time trying to get it all right. I always blow air in water whenever I'm bathing, and I even sing aloud for my lungs to gain muscles(?) so I have more air. I even do that before I sleep. But to no avail. I've asked MsChang about it, and she say my tone is okay. I'm a meticulous person. I don't like my tone, and I've been troubling over it since I change my instrument to clarinet which was when I was in sec 2. I feel that I'm making no progress. I feel like a fucking failure. I can't even make my section play properly, make them come for band regularly, and some can't even play their notes well. I think Kimberly's tone is way better than mine. It's not that I'm not happy about it. Of cause I do! My juniors leh, they play so well, as their senior I'll of cause feel happy. But yes, I'll admit it. I'm jealous. It's like, I have 'more' experience than them, yet I still sucks. I really want to improve. I'm trying my very best and yet people say I don't, and that's the worst part. People telling you that you have not tried hard enough when you're already doing your best. People that tell you that practice and practice and practice is all it takes, like I don't know that I need to practice. I know, and I'm now doing it. I've believed that if you do something with willingness and resilience, have confident and just do it, you will achieve what you wanted. But now, it feels like I'm just a loser. One that whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, you will never ever succeed. Now my sec 3 life is ending. I've only have a few more months before I step down, and I can't even play clarinet properly. I still squeak frequently. I still have lousy tone. I think I'm just, born to be handicapped at playing instruments. My tone sucked when I was playing flute too. Was it really that I didn't work hard enough? Just how much is 'enough'? It's never even enough. I know I need practice. I know. But whatever I do seemed futile. For all this 2 years I've been troubling over my tone. I tried not to care about it too much, just so maybe, just maybe if I ignore it and just play, I'll be able to do it easily. No offence to Jeremy, but a few days ago, he asked me this question. "Why your tone so airy ah?" It totally hurts. I tried not to show it, but it's been on my mind till today, and I guess for the rest of my life. I may sound exaggerating, but I really do feel this way. It made a huge impact. It's not that I blame him for his straightforwardness and frankness. I just blame myself for being so useless. They say, "Tone is not always the important thing." But hell. I just fucking hates it. I hate my tone. I admire people like Kendrick, Jeremy and even Kimberly for having such nice, round tone, whereas mine is just plain flat, squeezy and tight. Me? Nobody admires me. I know. I'm stupid to trouble over this. But I just do. Nobody can help me but myself. And I have no idea how to even help myself. I do think that I've got the patience. I can teach w/o getting angry easily. But I can't even play my own instrument fluently. What's there to even respect.

Studies. My studies has always been a weakness. I know most probably it's because of lack of practice. From primary school till sec 2, I have never really sit down, and do assessment books, frankly speaking, I don't really care. But since the start of sec 3, I've really start studying. The pressure is finally seeping into me. It's quite fun actually, to find out which study methods is suitable for me, and etc. I can really, actually, sit down for a few hours in library, or on my bed (since I don't have a study table), and do math, read history notes and sciences. It kinda shocked me. But I guess I've started too late. I don't have enough time to see what methods of studying suits me before exam comes, and I studied wrongly. I screwed up my humanities, english and loads of other subjects during EOY. I'm just... screwed. Yeah, it's my fault, and yes, I kind of 临时抱佛脚. But I did study. Better than lasttime, where I don't even study for exam. And results showed me that I still get lousy marks even though I do. Lol. Makes me feel so useless again. Failure.

Family. I think my family's gonna go bankrupt soon. Fullstop.

Yeah. I know I might sound unreasonable here? But it's just how I'm feeling right now. I'm not trying to gain empathy and expect people to go "Oh you poor thing." I just need some encouragement once in a while.
I need to tell someone about how I feel. I need to let it all out. And since I don't have anyone to tell to, I've decided to blog it out. If you think I'm trying to attract attention, then whatever. I don't have anyone else to talk to, what do you expect me to do.

The good thing is, I'd get over this easily. I always do. The bad news is, it'll come back again and again. I'll never forget about these troubles of mine, but you'll see me hopping around nevertheless tomorrow.

Just ignore this post. If you've read it, you've gained nothing, just that you know what my weakness is. I have flaws, everyone has flaws. I know there's people out there whose life is way more worst than mine. But right now, let me throw out what's on my mind, so I'd feel better. I hope.


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